OMG... funny.
been crabbing on the oregon coast before-- the place we rented boats & pots from sold mink carcasses for bait--
maybe kola can trade up his rabbit carcass for delicious shellfish.

Did ya hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil...
============================
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

=====================================

Kola :)
sidenote: Yes Angela, I miss fresh seafood terribly.

you people need some help. Jokes, I always forget them. Ah maybe I will post some help for this thread later. Klapton, stay enlisted, you wont survive, the comic world is cruel

--

A wise man knows how little he knows!

"Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
Right now the cops have nothing to go on....."

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

clean jokes...
What do you call a cow with two short legs? lean beef..
What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
what do you call a cow that wont give milk? an utter failure
what kind of milk does a cow with four short legs give? dragons milk
what do you call a dog with no legs? it doesnt matter, he not going to come anyways.
why was 6 afraid of 7? because 7 8 9
a dog limps into a bar, limps up to the bartender and says "im looking for the man who shot my paw"
A pirate walks into a bar, the bartender looks at the pirate and says, "you know you have a large steering wheel on the front of your pants?" the pirate responds "RRRR its driving me nuts!"

Three blondes are sitting in a bar chanting " 51 DAYS ! 51 DAYS! 51 DAYS!"

They are shooting shots of tequila and just wildly pleased with themselves.

Soon another blonde walks in carrying a small somewhat flat rectangular box.

She sets it on the table and they all bow to it, hold it overhead and order more rounds of tequila, meanwhile still chanting "51 days"

Finally, the bartender cannot stand it anymore and goes over and asks what is going on.

"We just finished this jigsaw puzzle in just 51 days and it says right on the box "3 to 4 years" !

A pork chop walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve food here."

3 guys walk into a bar.

Two of them REPEATEDLY tell everyone their height and weight.

Kola :)

That's so deaf people can enjoy it too...... Please accept my apology if you have no sense of smell, I meant no offense.

This one is my all time favorite. That's a DOUBLE Chuck joke in 9 words. Amazing.

Only way it could be better is if it was a Haiku.

Chuck Norris:   I took karate from Chucks Studio in Torrance California (I think it was his first studio he opened) / style was called Tang Soo Do. I might have seen Chuck in there a couple of times--he was very busy opening up Studios everywhere back then in the early 70's. I think Chuck was undefeated in his fighting career in competition. We went to a very large International fight held in CA. and Chuck was fighting in it. 

Two young ladies who were in my class knew there black belt forms when they were white belts. They made karate history when they became the youngest in the USA to receive a black belt. Colleen and Darlene Shepherd. There dad wanted these girls to be able to protect themselves!

I must say that for Chuck not being around he had some great instructors there. I am  trying to remember my daytime instructor / think he was a red belt-and I believe that was higher than black--just cant remember if he had yet to test for black but he was a great teacher. He was short and stout--don't let those short guys fool  you--they are strong.

We saw some pretty gnarly fights between the higher up belts in training--no holding back--saw some busted noses etc--that was with a kick. 

Heck I don't think Chuck has anything going on karate wise anymore but I am not sure. There was an instructor in San Pedro, CA. that was pretty tough and beating up all competitors. There was a picture of him doing a flying kick over a guys head. His style was Tae Kwon DO.

My opionion but  Bruce Lee was a way better actor than Chuck--Chuck just seemed to stiff. I really liked the Kung Fu series with David Carrradine and thought it was really good entertainment

3 guys walk into a bar.

Two of them REPEATEDLY tell everyone their height and weight.

Kola :)

--

Sorry. I just don't get this one.

Two strings are walking past a bar, and one wants to get a drink. The first string goes to the bartender and asks for a beer, but the bartender tells him they don't serve strings and asks him to leave.

The string comes out to his fellow string and tells him the bartender won't serve him. So the second string ties himself into a knot and frizzes up one end and goes into the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you one of those strings?"

The string replies, "No, I'm afraid not."

Why is getting up at 4 AM like a pig's tail?

?????????????????????????????????????

It's twirly................

Frances

When did Bobby go to the dentist? Easy, when two thirty.

Look, listen and learn
A man who works with his hands is a laborer,
A man who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman,
A man who works with his hands, his head and his heart is an artist.
St Francis of Assisi.

I will take the tea spoon

A ventriloquist cowboy was riding in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

This converstaion between my son amd myself actually happened.

Father to 11 year old son "Do you have the permission slip"
Son "Yes"
Father "Did your mom give it to you"?
Sone "Yes"
Father "Give me the permission slip"
Son "Mom says you have it"

Now the rest of the story
Mom told Dad to fill out the permission slip. dad forgot to do it.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 55?

Your Honor.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers who go scuba diving?

Professional courtesy!

Just love this one. I can just imagine it being told by
George Burns.

An elderly gentleman wakes before dawn, makes himself
a cup of coffee, and as he has done for so many years,
takes his rod & reel down to the local lake. As he is sitting
in his rowboat he hears a small voice;
"Help me"
"Help me"
He looks down to see a small frog swimming in the lake.
The frog looks up at him and says,
"You must help me! I'm a beautiful princess, but a wicked witch cast an evil spell on me and turned me into a frog, but if you'll kiss me I'll once again become a gorgeous princess with a stunning voluptious body. We'll be married, and have hot steamy sex for hours on end every day, and when you walk down the street I'll hang on your arm and we will make all your friends sick with envy."

The old man thought about it, then reached down into
the water, scooped out the frog, and put her in his shirt
pocket. "Thanks" he said, "but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

I just love that one!

-Rick

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.

For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the amazing events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help but wonder if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around Mbembe's leg and smashed him against
the concrete wall, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.