That video was so wrong!!! LOL

Why did the blond climb the chain link fence?

To see what was on the other side!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish!

Ragdump spooky tree

The photo doesn't do it justice when the light is just right and you're walking bye it will scare you!!

A dude decides to travel cross country to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Sierra Nevada, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the State Forestry Bureau and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the manager takes him for a ride in the truck to see how much he knows.

The manager stops the truck on the side of the road and points at it. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.” The dude promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber." The manager is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the dude. Now the manager is really impressed. The dude has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the manager stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the manager finishes pointing, the dude says, "A yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little peeved because he thinks that this dude is smarter than he. As they near the office, the manager stops the truck and asks the dude to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The manager thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the dude reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the manager and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the dude states confidently. The manager laughs out loud and asks sarcastically, "How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?"The dude looks down at his feet, and replies, "Cuz someone took a poop behind it."

I googled them...Logger Jokes

Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married?
All he ever dated was trees!

What's the difference between an environmentalist and a developer?
The environmentalist already has his house in the mountains.

Once upon a time, there were two lumberjacks, named Smith and
Do-Dah. These two lumberjacks became best friends, doing everything
together. They ate together (while working, of course), worked
together, played together and even got married on the same day.
Every day, after saying goodbye to their wives, they would head
for the woods to cut down trees.
After a while, they developed a routine way of doing things.
Smith would climb up into the tree, and cut the top part off, called
"topping the tree". Then when he had climbed down, Do-Dah would cut
down the tree itself.
They did this routine for over thirty years. As the years went by,
Do-Dah started to lose his hearing.
One day, Smith topped off the tree and yelled "Timber!" to let his
friend know the top part was coming down. Do-Dah didn't hear him and
the falling tree top landed on him.
Seeing that his friend was caught under the tree top, Smith rushed
down the tree crying "Do-Dah! Do-Dah! My friend! Are you all right?"
But it was too late. His friend was dead.
After sitting and crying for a while, Smith decided he needed to go
and tell Do-Dah's wife that her husband was dead. As he walked thru
the woods, towards her house, he kept thinking, over and over, "What
am I gonna tell this poor woman? How do I tell her that her husband
is dead???"
Before he knew it, he was standing outside her door, and still
didn't know how to tell her.
Just then, the door opened. It was Mrs. Do-Dah, leaving to go
shopping.
She was surprised to see Smith standing there, and asked, "Why,
hello Mr. Smith. What can I do for you today??"
Smith was speechless and just stood there and looked at her.
Finally, from somewhere deep inside him, Smith began to sing.
"Guess who died in the woods today...Do-Dah, Do-Dah."

Back around the turn of the century, said Zeddie Gillenwater of
Sumerco, some West Virginia farmers often sold virgin timber to mills
but had a difficult time getting their logs delivered.
One inexpensive way was to pile logs in a creek and wait for a big
rain. When the water came up, the logs formed a "raft" and the farmer
floated them to the mill. Because a lot of farmers were doing this,
the logs piled up and mixed together, so the individuals "branded"
their wood.
One such farmer, a fellow called Joggie-Eye, was late getting to his
logs one morning after a big rain. When he arrived at the creek, his
timber was gone.
Joggie-Eye took off along the creek. Every unmarked log he found,
he put his mark on it.
"Hey, Joggie-Eye," another farmer yelled at him, "those aren't your
logs. Stop branding them."
"My logs vanished last night and these must be them," the brander
replied.
"They can't be your logs, Joggie-Eye. These logs are way upstream
from your place."
"Well," said the farmer, continuing to brand, "my logs left in the
night and I'm not sure which way they went."

A little withered old man walks into a timber company office,
and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries
to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and
apparently much too weak to fell trees. The old man picks up an
axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high
pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere,
and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the
old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you
learn to chop down trees like that?"
"Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the
Sahara Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."

Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?
A. Because of the natural logs.

Frances

Okay, I'm sorry!

Ok, let me start by saying this pickup is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, If it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Toyota would look like Tom Selleck. It’s just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch that you have your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Bed, Bath and Beyond. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you are looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Stop.
This pickup was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man who cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems(real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats(a real man doesn’t need anything to warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell on star is).
No, this brute comes with things for us testosterone-fueled super action junkies. It has a 4 cylinder engine, just powerful enough to outrun the Taliban camels, but just fuel efficient enough to get you to and from the arm wrestling contests in which you repeatedly kick ass. It has brand new rancho shocks to get you in and out of the jungle without spilling your protein shake. It has a raised platform in the bed so you can sleep under the camper top after a long night in the octagon.. (or bar) It has oversized tires and a four wheel drive system that will climb a mountain like a donkey on crack. It has a plug in block heater to keep the engine starting in the middle of the coldest winter Wyoming night. It has a two Thule bars on the top of the leer bed topper to keep load whatever gear you may need to load to keep your ass in the clear.
It has room for you and the 2 other hotties (I fit 3 in the cab once) you pick up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes.
There’s only 128,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, the legendary 22r motor in this beast will outlive you and the offspring that carry your name. Did I mention this truck comes with a first aid kit? Yep, in it you will find a pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit, and a hunk of leather to bite down on while operating on yourself.
The dents and dings that serve as good memories for plowing through people I don’t like are probably less what you would expect. But a few do exist.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4500, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. Andy by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me 2 grand for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt. Hell Yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
Now go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he man macho Chuck Norris stunt double. Then contact me. I might be hang gliding or base jumping or just chillin with the ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a glass of Schmidt while listening to Johnny Cash.
http://wyoming.craigslist.org/cto/1256316003.html

Three engineers walk into a bar, after a few drinks they start debating about "What type of engineer would God be?" The mechanical engineer says that because of the way our body is constructed with the heart pumping blood to reach all of the muscles which operate the joints God is obviously a mechanical engineer. The computer engineer scoffs and says why our brains is an infinately complexe super computer that controls our body, allows us to learn and store data God is surely a computer engineer. The third engineer sits back quitely listening to the debate and finally chimes in, Your both wrong God is a civil engineer. Both of the other engineers stop their discussion and amusedly glance over at their friend, Really? A civil engineer? Please explain to us. The civil engineer matter of factly replies, "Who else but a civil engineer would place a waste disposal facility in middle of a recreational area? --No arguement came, God is a Civil Engineer.

One more: How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when talking to you.

ROTFLMAO!!! very funny!

After examining his female patient, the doctor sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well," she said to her daughter, "We women celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have some martinis."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. Along came some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her old friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS and only have six months to live." The friends were horrified! They gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty nervous retreat.

After the friends left the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. You just told your old friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

The woman whispered back, "Because I don't want any of those old bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

funny Frances!

that's my kind of joke, totally silly. ;p

LOL!!

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Subject: True Story
The Lost Bagpiper.... a true story.
As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside near Kincardine and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep.
I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.
I was opening the door and taking off my coat when I overheard one of the workers saying, "I've never seen nothin' like that before..." Wiping his eyes he added, "...and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years !!

What do you call a brunette walkng between two blondes? A translator.

Blondie, we just have more fun.

now that's funny.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Come Back?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats and Shoes.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
-

If God had sent 3 women they would have arrived on time with sensible gifts

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

An overweight blonde consulted his doctor for advice. The doctor advised that he run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, she promised, would help him lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice and after thirty days, he was pleased to find that he had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. He phoned the doctor and thanked her for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation however, he asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Frances

Two carpenters, Joe and Bill, were working on a house. Joe, up on a scaffold, accidently cut off his ear with the saw.

He yelled down to Bill..."Hey Bill! Look out for my ear!! I just cut it off and it fell down there to the ground!"

In a little bit Bill calls up to Joe, "Is this bloody thing your ear?" and he holds up a messy little thing for Joe to see.

Joe looks down and says "Naw! That can't be it. Mine had a pencil tucked behind it!"

Frances

Rod that was so funny! I actually know 2 people with BMW's:)

Frances, LOOOOOVVVEED your jokes:) we girls need to stick together:)

Not really jokes here. Just a couple of John Adams quotes that come to mind after reading about two cows.

Democracy... while it lasts is more bloody than either aristocracy or monarchy. Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There is never a democracy that did not commit suicide. -John Adams

While all other sciences have advanced, that of government is at a standstill - little better understood, little better practiced now than three or four thousand years ago. -John Adams

Or whatever other vaguely religous, equally stressfull, gift giving holiday you might observe.

;-)

IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!”
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

Enjoy your Holidays!
Peace

Happy Festivus!

From the the bluegrass state!!