What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino?

'ell if i know......

DOH!!!

That was freaking funny.

edkemper

Hehe this is SO funny. Copyright on it though, so found a page that had it with permission.

here is the link for it and just scroll down till ya find it.
Should be worth it.:P

http://www.cowboypoetry.com/mcrae.htm

Curtis

It's not a joke but clearly timber has been the single most important natural resource in last 10,000 years of human evolution.

Without trees we would be in the stone age still, living in caves.

During the French Revolution a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are all to be put to death by the guillotine.

The lawyer lies down, waiting for the blade to come down. When the blade drops it suddenly stops inches away from the lawyer's throat. Every watching agrees he can't be legally executed twice, so they let him go free.

The priest goes next and the same thing happens, the blade stops inches from his throat. Everyone watching agrees he was saved by divine intervention, so they let him go free.

The engineer is next, he stares up at the blade and suddenly he shouts out "Wait a second, I see your problem..."

That video was so wrong!!! LOL

Why did the blond climb the chain link fence?

To see what was on the other side!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish!

Ragdump spooky tree

The photo doesn't do it justice when the light is just right and you're walking bye it will scare you!!

A dude decides to travel cross country to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Sierra Nevada, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the State Forestry Bureau and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the manager takes him for a ride in the truck to see how much he knows.

The manager stops the truck on the side of the road and points at it. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.” The dude promptly answers, "It's a Sitka spruce and contains 383 board feet of lumber." The manager is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window. and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "It's a Douglas fir and has 690 board feet." says the dude. Now the manager is really impressed. The dude has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and the manager stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the manager finishes pointing, the dude says, "A yellow cedar, 242 board feet." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office. He's a little peeved because he thinks that this dude is smarter than he. As they near the office, the manager stops the truck and asks the dude to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The manager thinks to himself, "Idiot! How does he know which is the front of the tree?"

When the dude reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the manager and hands him the chalk. "That is the front of the tree," the dude states confidently. The manager laughs out loud and asks sarcastically, "How in the heck do you know that's the front of the tree?"The dude looks down at his feet, and replies, "Cuz someone took a poop behind it."

I googled them...Logger Jokes

Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married?
All he ever dated was trees!

What's the difference between an environmentalist and a developer?
The environmentalist already has his house in the mountains.

Once upon a time, there were two lumberjacks, named Smith and
Do-Dah. These two lumberjacks became best friends, doing everything
together. They ate together (while working, of course), worked
together, played together and even got married on the same day.
Every day, after saying goodbye to their wives, they would head
for the woods to cut down trees.
After a while, they developed a routine way of doing things.
Smith would climb up into the tree, and cut the top part off, called
"topping the tree". Then when he had climbed down, Do-Dah would cut
down the tree itself.
They did this routine for over thirty years. As the years went by,
Do-Dah started to lose his hearing.
One day, Smith topped off the tree and yelled "Timber!" to let his
friend know the top part was coming down. Do-Dah didn't hear him and
the falling tree top landed on him.
Seeing that his friend was caught under the tree top, Smith rushed
down the tree crying "Do-Dah! Do-Dah! My friend! Are you all right?"
But it was too late. His friend was dead.
After sitting and crying for a while, Smith decided he needed to go
and tell Do-Dah's wife that her husband was dead. As he walked thru
the woods, towards her house, he kept thinking, over and over, "What
am I gonna tell this poor woman? How do I tell her that her husband
is dead???"
Before he knew it, he was standing outside her door, and still
didn't know how to tell her.
Just then, the door opened. It was Mrs. Do-Dah, leaving to go
shopping.
She was surprised to see Smith standing there, and asked, "Why,
hello Mr. Smith. What can I do for you today??"
Smith was speechless and just stood there and looked at her.
Finally, from somewhere deep inside him, Smith began to sing.
"Guess who died in the woods today...Do-Dah, Do-Dah."

Back around the turn of the century, said Zeddie Gillenwater of
Sumerco, some West Virginia farmers often sold virgin timber to mills
but had a difficult time getting their logs delivered.
One inexpensive way was to pile logs in a creek and wait for a big
rain. When the water came up, the logs formed a "raft" and the farmer
floated them to the mill. Because a lot of farmers were doing this,
the logs piled up and mixed together, so the individuals "branded"
their wood.
One such farmer, a fellow called Joggie-Eye, was late getting to his
logs one morning after a big rain. When he arrived at the creek, his
timber was gone.
Joggie-Eye took off along the creek. Every unmarked log he found,
he put his mark on it.
"Hey, Joggie-Eye," another farmer yelled at him, "those aren't your
logs. Stop branding them."
"My logs vanished last night and these must be them," the brander
replied.
"They can't be your logs, Joggie-Eye. These logs are way upstream
from your place."
"Well," said the farmer, continuing to brand, "my logs left in the
night and I'm not sure which way they went."

A little withered old man walks into a timber company office,
and applies for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries
to talk him out of the idea. After all, he is old, small, and
apparently much too weak to fell trees. The old man picks up an
axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he goes to work, a high
pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly everwhere,
and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the
old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you
learn to chop down trees like that?"
"Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the
Sahara Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW..."

Q. Why do mathematicians like national parks?
A. Because of the natural logs.

Frances

Okay, I'm sorry!

Ok, let me start by saying this pickup is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, If it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Toyota would look like Tom Selleck. It’s just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie and Fitch that you have your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Bed, Bath and Beyond. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you are looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Stop.
This pickup was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man who cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems(real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats(a real man doesn’t need anything to warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell on star is).
No, this brute comes with things for us testosterone-fueled super action junkies. It has a 4 cylinder engine, just powerful enough to outrun the Taliban camels, but just fuel efficient enough to get you to and from the arm wrestling contests in which you repeatedly kick ass. It has brand new rancho shocks to get you in and out of the jungle without spilling your protein shake. It has a raised platform in the bed so you can sleep under the camper top after a long night in the octagon.. (or bar) It has oversized tires and a four wheel drive system that will climb a mountain like a donkey on crack. It has a plug in block heater to keep the engine starting in the middle of the coldest winter Wyoming night. It has a two Thule bars on the top of the leer bed topper to keep load whatever gear you may need to load to keep your ass in the clear.
It has room for you and the 2 other hotties (I fit 3 in the cab once) you pick up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes.
There’s only 128,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, the legendary 22r motor in this beast will outlive you and the offspring that carry your name. Did I mention this truck comes with a first aid kit? Yep, in it you will find a pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit, and a hunk of leather to bite down on while operating on yourself.
The dents and dings that serve as good memories for plowing through people I don’t like are probably less what you would expect. But a few do exist.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $4500, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. Andy by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me 2 grand for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt. Hell Yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
Now go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he man macho Chuck Norris stunt double. Then contact me. I might be hang gliding or base jumping or just chillin with the ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a glass of Schmidt while listening to Johnny Cash.
http://wyoming.craigslist.org/cto/1256316003.html

I was try find pictures of mexican food i making to show to my thai friends and hit this link.

http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/pages/baby-or-burrito.html

If was candy bar and that fat cop from police academy movie he wiped it off and ate it ahha like the cholate bar ahhaha

Three engineers walk into a bar, after a few drinks they start debating about "What type of engineer would God be?" The mechanical engineer says that because of the way our body is constructed with the heart pumping blood to reach all of the muscles which operate the joints God is obviously a mechanical engineer. The computer engineer scoffs and says why our brains is an infinately complexe super computer that controls our body, allows us to learn and store data God is surely a computer engineer. The third engineer sits back quitely listening to the debate and finally chimes in, Your both wrong God is a civil engineer. Both of the other engineers stop their discussion and amusedly glance over at their friend, Really? A civil engineer? Please explain to us. The civil engineer matter of factly replies, "Who else but a civil engineer would place a waste disposal facility in middle of a recreational area? --No arguement came, God is a Civil Engineer.

One more: How can you tell an engineer is an extrovert? He looks at your shoes when talking to you.

ROTFLMAO!!! very funny!

After examining his female patient, the doctor sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well," she said to her daughter, "We women celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have some martinis."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. Along came some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her old friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS and only have six months to live." The friends were horrified! They gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty nervous retreat.

After the friends left the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. You just told your old friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

The woman whispered back, "Because I don't want any of those old bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

"FLU UPDATE "

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment

and for swine flu you need oinkment

Frances

I thought blonde jokes were supposed to be about women?

2 blonds go to a lumber yard and the 1 goes in the get some lumber. She tells the clerk she wants some 2x4's. The clerk ask how long she needs them? She goes back to the other blonde to ask and comes back to tell the clerk we need them for a long time, we're building a house.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

The first one:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

The second one:

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

And the last one:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde.

hehe ok that should do it.

Later
Roadscholar

Did it get you any other jobs blowing the pipes from that.
Do you have Garmin ore Tom Tom GPS now.
i do it works most time and helps out allot.
So are you doing gigs when other members put in there septic tanks just messing with you hahaha seya